Short quotes and sayings.
Mind if I do a J?
“Why are you so sweaty?” “I was watching cops.”
So what’s it going to be, sullen silence or mean comment?
If you live among wolves you have to act like a wolf.
You knew your pal had come into money when he started throwing out perfectly good pistachios like he was above cracking ‘em open with a box cutter like the rest of us.
That was well brought up. Too bad you weren’t.
Oh I’m stomping the brakes, put that idea right through the fucking windshield.
Well, there’s nothing better than a fart. Except for kids falling off bikes, maybe. Fuck, I could watch kids falling off bikes all day, I don’t give a fuck about your kids.
We only got one shot at this. One chance. One win. You know? Vomit on your mom’s spaghetti, or whatever that talking singer says.
ou stopped toe curlin’ in the hot tub ‘cause you heard sperms stay alive in there and you’ve seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles enough times to know how that story ends.
It’s a hard life picking stones and pulin’ teats, but as sure as God’s got sandals, it beats fightin’ dudes with treasure trails.
I see the muscle shirt came today. Muscles coming tomorrow? Did ya get a tracking number? Oh I hope he got a tracking number. That package is going to be smaller than the one you’re sportin’ now.
Tim’s, McDonald’s, and the beer store are all closed on Christmas Day. And that’s your whole world right there.”
Closest you’re gettin’ to any action this weekend is givin’ the dairy cow’s teets a good scrubbin’.
Pitter-patter, let’s get at ‘er.”
Fuck, Lemony Snicket, what A Series of Unfortunate Events you been through, you ugly fuck.
Daryl: You guys do CrossFit? Wayne: You can cross fuck off.
Your dad says guys with big trucks have little dinks. And that makes sense cuz you want a real big truck and got a real little dink.
What’s up with your body hair, you big shoots? You look like a 12-year-old Dutch girl.
If you have a problem with the majestic Canadian Goose, then you have a problem with me. And I suggest you let that one marinate.
Oh, come on, kitten. I won’t tell anyone.
Buddy you couldn’t wheel a fuckin’ tire down a hill.
You wish there was a pied piper for possums. But there isn’t, so you’re just gonna have to keep picking ‘em off with a .22.
Call me a cake, ‘cause I’ll go straight to your ass, cowboy!
If I was a Dr. Seuss book, I’d be The Fat in the Hat.
I wish you weren’t so fucking awkward, bud.
Fuck you Jonesy! Your mom just liked my Instagram post from 2 years ago in Puerto Vallarta. Tell her I’ll put my swim trunks on for her any time she likes.
Here’s a poem. Star light, star bright, why the fuck you got earrings on? Bet your lobes ain’t the only thing that got a hole punched in ’em.
Seeing as this is most certainly a one-off event and not a tradition that also falls on some made-up holiday that I couldn’t give a cats queef about, I’m out. There’s happiness calling my name from the bottom of a bottle of Puppers.
Well, I’d say give your balls a tug, but it looks like yer pants are doin’ it for ya.
You seen a ‘coon havin’ sex with a barn cat on top of your truck? Fuck what’s the nature of that David Suzuki.
You’re made of spare parts, aren’t you, bud?
Does a duck with a boner drag weeds?”